This blog is for problems

I guess if you don’t see any updates here for a long while, it’s a good thing.

I started this blog to express what I feel in times when I cannot solve a relationship problem directly with my partner, nor do I feel it appropriate to discuss with friends. I feel that relationship problems shouldn’t be discussed outside of the two persons involved unless it has already been solved, or, communication attempts have already been made but the partner is not quite communicating the way he/she is expected to by the other. So a blog is my outlet, as an anonymous person, to an anonymous group of readers. This way I’m not breaking any of my self-imposed rules on telling on someone. For readers who might be my friends in real life, or suspect that they know my identity, I implore that you keep it confidential; do not mention my name and if possible, yours neither.

I’m writing a non-Plinky post today so yes, I have a problem. The problem is, even after years of being in a relationship with the same person, I do not know what to do in the case where I have upset him. Most of the time, since the first instance, I would tag along and try to hold his hand and keep apologising. After some time, it could be minutes of hours, he would start to hold my hand too, or give me a small kiss, albeit with the angry expression, as a sign that he is still very much upset but is willing to start considering accepting my apology.

But its always awkward. Its always new to me when I have upset him, it always leaves me feeling clueless, helpless, useless. He is not the sort who accepts pacification, so there are no sure-work tricks to turn the situation around. It always means we reason out to the conclusion that I was at fault, or my persistent sorry-puppy behaviour.

This time, I did neither. I didn’t reason, I didn’t tag. And he is still upset with me. I don’t know why I didn’t choose to reason at length, but I didn’t tag because prior to the incident he had already made it clear that we were to part ways after we were done. When he upped and before he left, he did ask me if I was coming along, but something told me it’s not right to. It’s not the first time I have this feeling not to go but it is the first time I’m following it. He just shook his head and left after 2 seconds of non-response.

What do I do? When I apologise, I really mean it. I really realise my mistake and I really make a mental note not to repeat. And despite our history, I never take our relationship for granted. I never ever assume that things will simply go back to normal soon enough. Not that I’m being paranoid or pessimistic, but to whatever extent I know him, that’s how I look at the nature and balance of our relationship.

This is the first time I’m somewhat not doing anything. After he left, I stayed frozen for a while because something inside me was literally hurting, it was hurting even before he made it known that he was upset. So I sat still for many minutes, thinking what to do next. When I finally felt a little better, I got up and looked for a warm outdoor place to sit and think. Now here I am at a public multi-purpose sports court, facing a group of guys playing basketball but not really watching, still thinking. I decided to blog now because I feel the pain again and I don’t want to move but I need some space to spell out my feelings at the moment.

I don’t expect to be miraculously found by him, and I don’t expect to see him because he’s not the sort to wait around to think and later look for me to launch a surprise “hey”. He’d be home by now, still angry or already deeply involved in an online game and this problem temporarily forgotten. The one’s who has been upset has the right to move on, stay upset or do both, but what about the one who has made someone upset?

I’ve only texted him once so far, a simple “I’m sorry” and he replied with a response that told me he’s not over it. I’m still sincerely sorry though I am not doing anything more, yet. Maybe I’ll text again later. Maybe I’ll go over to apologise personally. But I won’t sit still and pretend its going to be okay, nor will I listen to anyone who says that. That’s why I’m not asking any friends for advice, calling anyone to talk about it. He means too much to me to allow anyone to take our stability for granted.

The basketball game just got bigger. Maybe I’ll think some more while my eyes mindlessly follow their erratic yet purposeful movements.

There's something I can't go back to doing again.

Is there anything you feel too old to do anymore?

bottle V

I'm not one to regret, and I love reliving memories, but if there must be one thing I *know* I'm too old for, it is to drink milk made from milk powder, from a baby bottle with a teat.

Embarrassingly, I loved it so much that I only stopped at the age of 11. But seriously, if I was back then already too old to be doing that, its not like the passing years have made me younger and validifies my desire to drink from a milk bottle again.

Ready?

Will you still ask a question if you’re not sure you’re prepared to hear the answer?

This is not rhetorical. Anyone, it doesn’t matter if I know you or not, if you’re reading this, I want to know what you have to say about it.

If I ever had to support myself with just making something…

“If you had to make a living by creating art, what would you do?”

I would be creating handmade cards, both gift/greeting cards and business cards. Cards are sellable; they are used for almost every occasion imaginable, and there is no end to the possibilities of how to design and make one, with what kind of materials, typography and content (or lack of) to work around.

Not my problem, but..

It was waiting to happen, I guess. His mother was frequently spending time overseas partaking in possibly non-work-related activities instead of working or tending to the home, and his father was constantly busy working overseas to maintain his house, his children and himself. Everytime they come home, some obvious problems will come to light, mostly disagreements in decisions, whether it be about the house, the taking of clients for their job, or their children.

Then yesterday the father came home, after weeks of working as a tour guide overseas, announcing that he has decided to divorce his wife. My boyfriend could casually just send me a text message to inform me about it. I asked if he wanted to call, to talk with me, but he declined. He was completely cool about it. And I knew he would be.

Although both his parents didn’t play much of a role in his childhood – or his life, for that matter – his mother in particular has not only been absent; she had never been sincerely interested or concerned about her family, to the fact that she is a mother of two, and a wife. This I could evidently tell even if he had never told me about it. Because which child would be so openly rude to his mother all the time, expressing reasoned dislike and sometimes even contempt towards her? Only a neglected one who has wisened to his being neglected.

Even though the ones divorcing are my boyfriend’s parents, I feel slightly affected by it. I’ve known him for almost 6 years, and I’ve known them for 4-5. I have ever spent a bit of time with either of them individually, and I show more respect towards his mother than he does.

To him, she may be the woman who gave him life but failed to take care of the rest of it. To me.. I think somewhere in me I was expecting her to be the future mother-in-law. Whom I would have to endure constant arguments and almost-violent bouts with his son. Well now, when I realised that was what it meant for me if his parents don’t separate, it seemed only logical to be supportive of it.

Yet I worry. I don’t believe in karma, but I believe that attitude can be passed genetically. If he is rude to his mother because she hasn’t been a good mother, what if my future children actively find faults with my parenting and behave that way towards me too? I know my feelings for him are strong and mutual, and its possible that he loves me more than he does his mother, but what if his elitist-argumentative streak carries on in our children, and they similarly dislike their mother, and they don’t realise just how much I actually do care for and love them? Reasoning only comes in when one is older and mature, but for the young ones, they can hate and abhor without reason.

From this I learn an important lesson. I have to be not only a good future wife, but also a very nurturing future mother, an involved individual. By all hopes I wish my children will never be so brazen as he has been with his mother. It would hurt me so much.

Three things 2012 challenges me with

"Name the top 3 most important things you want to accomplish this year."

Project 365 #351: 171209 Marking Time

I need to beef up my savings. Studying or working, financially-draining occasions or shopping sprees, no excuses.

I want to have mastered the basics of using my new camera, and have compiled a good set of photographs for a compelling portfolio.

No more late-coming for work/school. Best if without the use of any taxi rides. If I am willing to go home late, I must be responsible and still be punctual for the following day.

In 1989, this was what happened.

“Share what you know about the year you were born.”

Tiananmen Square [Tiananmen Square / Beijing]

1989 was the year of the Tiananmen Square Protests. I am no Chinese, nor was my life directly impacted by this incident, but as I have learnt of this in secondary school as part of History class the knowledge of this incident stuck to me quite a bit.

The Tiananmen Square protests that occured in 1989 was also known as the Fourth of June incident in Chinese, and was also once known as Tiananmen Massace. Despite the specific reference of a location in this incident, the said protests actually occured throughout China in major cities, not just in Tiananmen, and the Massacre was not actually inside Tiananmen Square but outside, though still in the boundaries of Beijing.

It is interesting to note that Tiananmen means “Gate of Heavenly Peace” yet this was the location for such a strong and large anti-government protest, albeit not of a violent nature. The protesters were mainly Chinese students and intellectuals, who, with their educated minds, were grieving for the loss of a man who stood for political liberalisation in China. This man was Hu Yaobang, the General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, which was the ruling party at the time.

The protesters were rallying to support and continue Hu’s efforts right after his death, and the Chinese government, of which the Party’s elders were very unaccomodating to the reforms Hu was trying to implement, were not about to put up with the protesters. It took some time, but weeks after the Tiananmen Square Protests began, the Chinese military was deployed to use live firearms to disperse of the protesters in the streets all across Beijing, starting from the borders and moving inwards to Tiananmen Square.

This resulted in civilian deaths in government hands. The students who led the Protests were hunted by the government, and those caught were tried and sentenced to years of prison.

I do not wish to delve into the details of my opinion on this incident, but I can easily say I feel sad that the students and Hu were not listened to at that time, even frowned upon.

And that was one of the major events that occured in the year I was born.

I like long bus rides~

How do you relax after a long, stressful day?

080123 Moon-08

Typically, if I had a long day it means that I end work at 9-10pm. Then again, a long day does not necessarily equate to having worked for many hours; a regular 9-6 work day could well be "long" too if it was completely filled with rushed work and maybe no time for lunch.

So I unwind the easy and cheap way: Take a bus home instead of the train. Taking the train, albeit faster than the bus, doesn't guarantee me a seat for me to rest (and nod to sleep and drool and wake up shocked when it pulls over at my station) and I also need to change trains at the interchange. Taking the bus not only has confirmed seat availability for my tired body (because the buses that goes to my place start their journey from a bus station that is only 2 stops before my office), I also get to have a reasonably good nap for almost an hour.

(Picture featured above happens to be of a road which my bus ride home passes through!)

If heavy eyelids escape me, I could always flip out my BlackBerry and start surfing the net for things that I want to find out about. Buying that smartphone with a 3G contract was one of the best things I've ever done, because being able to find solutions to the problems I have on my mind, or instantly finding out the price of that item I've been meaning to buy but not sure if I can afford, or simply reading up on the news or matters that interest me, all while on a sleepless trip home is the most efficient way to get things off my mind, not to mention that I don't have to spend time at work the next day inappropriately surfing the net for these things!

On particularly strenuous days, though, I would add in one extra activity between after-work and awesome-bus-trip: eat at my favourite cafe, Real Food, which happens to be on my way home, has the perfect atmosphere to chill by myself (they have books available for browsing), and the vegan food psychologically works to make me feel "detoxified".

Oh, one last option if its a Wednesday or Friday: crash the boyfriend's house for an hour or two for a nap on a comfy bed, or a good chat over takeaway dinner, before heading home ;)

The best thing you could tell me

"What's the best news that you could receive right now?"

wedding invitation card

That the someone I love most has ultimately decided to convert to my religion wholeheartedly, with intention to marry me.

Actually I could do with this news not just now but anytime.

“No Need”

Tonight I got reprimanded a second time for uttering the words “No need”. Mom got offended again, she blared off the same reasons again. But I still don’t understand, and I doubt I ever will.

As I took a packet of french fries from her, she asked if I wanted chilli sauce to go with it. I’d said the mysterious, civil-war-inciting “No need”, albeit with a happy smile and grateful tone (I was delighted to have dinner with her) without a single trace nor intention of ungratefulness.

Then she began. Saying “No need” is mild disrespect, she sternly spoke; I’m not your maid for you to think of me so lowly that you just dismiss me with those words. She went on to saying how she’d similarly reprimand her younger colleagues if she heard them blast the N-phrase, and they’d start speaking very respectfully around her.

Darn.
1. I didn’t say it disrespectfully, none of the tone at all. No intention, nothing. Just a way for me to pleasantly say “Please don’t trouble yourself, its fine, I can do without it” in an effective two-word phrase.
2. I do not ever think lowly of you, dear Mother. I did not mean to dismiss, only to reassure that I indeed do not need something you’re offering me.
3. Suddenly speaking so obsequiously after hearing a piece of her mind? Sounds pretty sarcastic or even disrespectful to me.

So essentially, she sees a part of me that doesn’t even exist. She thinks I’m an ingrate. I’m not.

No, I will never understand. Mom, you, having been through a difficult childhood and bitter adulthood, have remained bitter into your golden age even after all your claims of letting go and being peaceful. I don’t know many adults your age but I can say that sadly you’re one of the most self-induced upset 55-year olds I know.

I see things, I see people, and I see life very differently from my mother. Where she keeps finding faults, hidden malice, unhappy past and doesn’t look forward to any future, I find many blessings, in my thoughts I let the good qualities of people outshine their bad, I don’t regret much and I’m always keen to see and experience the next day, week, month, year.

This is something I know I will never understand. Because I never think too hard and suspect everyone all the time, living in constant scorn of the dark side of Man. I am only sad that your life before this was not happier, livelier and more enriching. If it was, I know you wouldn’t be flaring up over a simple two-words that was intended to put you at ease.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. Does anyone else have an incomprehensible parent(s) flare-up to share? Maybe we could all learn something about our elders and how best to deal with it. Because even after all that, my only choice is to try not to forget that the N-phrase is a no-no in front of her, without ever being able to fathom the reason.